Get ready...

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”

I want to talk about my process with this at this time.  We can call them “defects of character” or “defense mechanisms” or many other titles, but the point is they are the internal logic that served to help us to physically and emotionally survive our childhood.  Totally essential.  Unfortunately, most of us constructed this stuff between the ages of 3 and 17, so its egocentric an immature.  I’m not being judgmental here.  The reasoning at the time was crucial and age appropriate.  I constructed a story that if I weren’t so bad or such a piece of shit, I would not have been abandoned by my mother and molested by my father.  The point of that story was that it gave me a sense of control.  If I was the problem, then I could have done something about.  I had very little fucking control. I was 4 years old.  So to deal the fear of abandonment and not being enough I worked tirelessly to figure out what people want so I could give it to them so they would not leave me or violate me.  Needing people while simultaneously deeply not trusting them.  Fully primed for codependent relationships, which I have consistently had since my early twenties.  What is at the bottom of this?  What did step 4 reveal?  That my kid logic (character defect, defense mechanism, etc.) is run by wanting to be safe.  I fear not being in control and not being enough because they make me feel unsafe.  Rage and the desire to control others are simply desperate efforts to feel safe.  I am a forty-two year old man who is trying to develop a relationship with God so that I can feel safe and stop harming myself and others.  The question step 6 raises is are you ready to let go of your kid logic and trust God?  I want to be ready.  Often I feel ready.  Unfortunately, the old neural pathways are deep and I under stress the fear leads to rage. Back to the gift of desperation.  Every time I act out I remember that I am in fact powerless over other people. (Thank God!)  How can I remember to trust God so that I can build these sustainable pathways? Practice, practice, practice….