Speeding the Feedback Loop

Insanity continues in my life.  But what I am starting to see is my role in it.  In asking the the simple question, “What was my part?” I am empowered to be part of the solution.  I do not need to make other people my higher power.  I may not control my mind, but I do control my actions.  My brain has all kinds of bad ideas about blaming people, killing myself, and in general trying solve the problem of how can I control absolutely everything so that I feel safe.  It wasn’t until I finished my fourth step that I came to see how much my desire to feel safe motivates and informs my choices; and how it can invite insanity into my life if I let it.  Last week my wife was mad at me because no food was in the house and she could not leave because I was in session and she was with the kids.  For me this would not have been a problem I simply would have ordered food and gone on with my night.  That is not how it played out.  She was livid and crazy. Blowing up my phone with text messages while I was in session.  I was in trouble with big mad mommy.  My codependency and fear of abandonment blocked my ability to take right action.  She called.  I was in session.  The code we have is that if I am in session and it is a true emergency she will call twice.  I picked up the phone after one ring and told her I was in session.  She screamed into the phone, “FUCK YOU AND YOUR CLIENTS!!! YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE!!”  I tried to get back to session, but could not recover from the assault.  I told my clients I need to end the session.  I was crying.  They were very accommodating.  The situation was fucked.  I had allowed my shit to blow up my clients’ safe space.  Insanity.   But the learning was quick.  After a few calls to sober friends I figured out while I cannot control my wife rage, I can set reasonable boundaries.  I did not need to answer the phone.  I can let her deal with her own feeling and don’t have to invite her to prove a unconscious desire of mine that I am in fact a piece of shit.  I don’t know what will happen with these clients.  I hope to process it with them.  I trust God will lead us to the lessons we need to heal.