Starting to work on the rage

The gift of desperation.  The gift that keeps on giving. Shame and pain.  Swept away by righteous rage.  Dashed on a rocky shore.  Shaken I asked myself, “Can I be sane inside this relationship?”  The answer is, “I don’t know.”  The gift is knowing that things cannot stay the same.  We need new tools because our shit does not work.  She is willing to come to the table.  I am in the process of looking for one.  This gives me hope.  I want to stay in the solution and in spite of the insanity am generally able to manage, but last weekend I lost it.  Money got tight, I did not have enough sleep, she got mean, and I did not have the reserves to manage myself.  I yelled at my wife “You’re an evil fucking bitch!” in front of my children at a gas station.  Real ghetto shit.  I have rage.  I have never been in situation before where it has possessed me as it has in the past three years.  I know this is not only rage about the current situation but about 38 (out of 42) years of rage that needs to be healed.  I pray to find a process, step work, therapy, reading to bring my rage to the light and let it go in some healthy way.  I seek a path with heart and know I have great violence within myself.