Earlier I spoke of cutting the toughness groove into the gray matter. Any visceral experience interacts with and changes the brain. By enduring pain instead of seeking to avoid it, by rushing into the burning building instead of getting out, by setting the building on fire if it is too calm and peaceful, I altered my brain. Taking a freezing cold shower upon waking in the morning - That cuts the groove. Pretending I don't care when my mother ignores me - That cuts the groove. Sustaining a concussion playing football, seeing double and running right back out onto the field - Groove. Helping others but refusing help from others- Groove. Lying, cheating, stealing, manipulating, and keeping a smile on my face throughout it all- Deepening the crevasses of my brain.
To change this pattern, this way of thinking and behaving, I must somehow pave over the neuro-pathways that have allowed me to persist in this behavior and to survive. Instead of scratching and clawing through life, I have become more comfortable falling to my knees- asking for help. Surrendering. Each time I ask for help, it gets a little easier. Each time I surrender, I re-route away from that familiar groove. I cut a new groove in my brain that starts with gratitude.
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