The payoff that makes this crisis a lovely one, is that if I'm lucky, my pain threshold reached will catapult me toward healing and health. The propulsion will then cultivate deep compassion and understanding. How lovely that I get to visit these scenes of fulfillment and peace more than I ever could have even dreamed! I mean, before I finally cried, "Uncle" how could possibly I have stopped to notice such beauty - It's hard to bathe in the warm glow of loving kindness when you are busy chopping off your own fingers. The space that exists in a mindful kiss on my child's forehead as I hear the faint whistle of their breath while they ease through their dreams is one of these gifts. The transformative energy that is created by being vulnerable and honest with my wife as I receive love in my heart, in my soul. The miracle I feel with this vulnerability is illuminated as I instinctively hold my breath as I lay splayed, prepared to be disemboweled as I have throughout my life's training but instead I am filled with the sweet nectar of intimacy.
However, I am realizing that this process is not necessarily the linear path of a jet that breaks the sound barrier and blazes forward with a sonic boom.The nature of of my path is more like a pendulum of continuous motion of which there is equal and opposite reaction. "For dust you are and to dust you shall return". I continue to create and endure pain, although my recognition of this pattern is slowly being revealed before I harken back to my my Bloodhound Gang tendencies "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn. Burn motherfucker burn."
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